Relational Readiness: The Four Must-Have Skills to Build Meaningful Relationships

by Adam Sáenz, Ph.D.

We—humanity—are like a massive collection of Legos. Our individual pieces of human experience vary in size, shape and color, but all were designed and evolved specifically to connect one with another. When we connect with the right people the right way, we become a part of a narrative or unfolding story that gives us deeper meaning and purpose, both individually and collectively. That holds true universally—across cultures, across sexes, across generations, and across ideologies. It certainly holds true in schools. Why should educators be concerned when a child lacks the capacity to initiate and sustain age-appropriate, inter-independent relationships? It is because relationships are resources (American Psychological Association, 2013).

Many would go so far as to argue that relationships are our most important resource—in the end, far more valuable to us than money, education, or physical ability. Children who lack the capacity to appropriately access relationships as resources (and do not receive appropriate intervention), then, will grow up to be adults that are even more deeply isolated and impaired—damaging, even—as they relate with other human beings, children and adults alike. In effect, those children become Lego pieces that molded out of their ability to integrate with other Lego pieces.

Therein lies the root of our sense of urgency. Think about it: each student with whom we interact today represents some sphere of relational influence in the future—a future boss, a future employee, a future father, or a future mother. Maybe even a future classroom or campus leader. Will their future influence be helpful or hurtful to those depending on them?

Douglas Fiore, Ph.D., is a former teacher and principal who has served on faculty at the State University of West Georgia. According to Dr. Fiore, “Teachers who create distance between themselves and their students make it exceedingly difficult for students to develop relationships with them…the relationships that teachers develop with students have a direct impact on the teacher’s ability to teach and the students ability to learn. For this reason, these relationships must be deemed vitally important (2001).”

The Case of the Teacher Who Exploded

In the spring semester of 2013, I was asked by a campus-level administrator to partner with her and her leadership team to develop strategies that would incorporate a relationship-building ethic into the campus growth plan. The student population was showing a sharp demographic shift; within a period of five years, it had changed from 85 percent middle to upper-middle class Caucasian to 75 percent low-income Latino and African American. The faculty remained predominantly Caucasian, and they were finding themselves “losing control of the campus,” as one teacher put it.

Our early discussions focused on reviewing and revamping the school-wide discipline plan. Positive behavior supports were emphasized, and the counselor offered to lead social skills groups for selected students with excessive office referrals. The leadership team initially expressed a fair amount of enthusiasm: surely, revamping the school-wide and classroom discipline plans will help.

As the discussion continued, though, concerns were raised, and tension grew. “There’s no doubt we need this,” one teacher noted with increased frustration in her voice, “but what are we supposed to do when the supports we’re offering don’t work? What are we supposed to do when students simply refuse to comply with our requests, and our consequences are meaningful to them and not shaping behavior?”

“I understand that not every student will respond favorably the first time,” another teacher responded, trying to remain positive. “Still, though, this is what we need to do. This is what will be best for the students and our campus in the long run.”

“That’s easy for us to say now,” the teacher shot back, “but it won’t be so easy by the time October gets here, and the honeymoon is over, and we’re all already starting to feel tired and burned out.”

She was loud.

“You are right,” her colleague responded. “This will be difficult. But I think that’s why our relationships with the students are so important. If we can build relationships with the students, I believe they will be more inclined to hear us, more inclined to make the kinds of choices we are wanting them to make.”

“Relationships with the kids? Are you kidding me? With all the paperwork I have to do? With all the conferences I have to schedule? With all the activities I have to supervise? I don’t have time for relationships!” she exploded, slamming her hand on the table.

And there it was. In her anger, she had given voice to the concern that many of the faculty probably had been struggling with for many months: connecting and building relationships with these students was not coming nearly as naturally or easily or fluidly as it had five years ago. The concern she expressed wasn’t unique to this campus; in my work with school districts across the country, I have facilitated countless conversations about how ever-changing standards and regulations have forced the educator to shift attention and energy from building relationships to compliance with legal mandates. It is both a truly legitimate concern and a truly unfortunate reality.

The Principal as the Campus-level Culture Leader

My theoretical approach working in schools over the past twenty years gradually shifted from behavioral to systems. Behavioral psychology, at its core, is about sticks and carrots: how can I use pleasure or pain to shape behavior? Systems psychology, however, understands behavior as being influenced by a relational environment .

The shift actually started in my private practice, when I realized that 50-minutes of direct intervention with a child rendered little positive permanent effect when the child was returning to an overwhelmed or dysfunctional family system. Thus, much of my work with children now involves a significant piece of work with the adult caregivers in the home. The carryover in the school setting was that having created countless behavior intervention plans anchored to sticks and carrots (positive behavior support focuses on carrots), I realized that these plans resulted in little positive permanent effect when implemented in a campus culture that either devalued the relational aspect of learning or was deeply entrenched in a dysfunctional relational climate. As a result, much of my work in education today focuses on establishing a culture of relational wellbeing at a campus level—in essence, culture is a power tool of Tier 1 interventions, in the sense that all students benefit from educators living balanced lives and capable of adaptive relational skills.

My sense is that very few who have served as educators for more than three years need to be convinced of the importance of relationships. The deeper and more compelling question is “How?” What, exactly, are the steps to build healthy colleague-to-colleague, teacher-to-student, and educator-to-parent relationships? And, what are the implications for me as the leader of campus-level culture?

The answer to that compelling question, to quote a relationship status option on a popular social media website, is “it’s complicated.” Since dozens of variables interact to determine the quality of interaction between any two individuals, to offer a standard, one-size-fits-all relationship protocol (i.e., simply do X, then Y and then Z) would be at least scientifically disingenuous and, at worst, potentially damaging.

We’re not stuck, though. We will find our answer via analogy. Imagine coaching a large group of athletes from a wide variety of sports. At first glance, the task might seem incredibly difficult: how could one coach possibly know enough about all of the sports to be helpful? This becomes another dozens-of-variables-interacting scenario. We know, though, that regardless of the particular sport, every athlete will benefit in their particular sport from practicing four essential skills: 1) proper nutrition, 2) flexibility training, 3) strength training, and 4) conditioning. Coaching that diverse group, then, would be about my leading the group in the practice and development of those four core physical skills. By analogy, then, my capacity to successfully interact with a wide range of individuals becomes a process of my practicing and developing four essential relational readiness skills: 1) reflecting, 2) directing, 3) connecting, 4) protecting. When I as the campus leader develop my capacity in those for four essential relational readiness skills, I model a level of relational wellness that will drive a healthy relational culture on my campus.

Skill Number One: Reflecting (Why am I here?)

If I have not linked what I’m doing on a daily basis on my campus with my core values (by practicing the skill of reflecting on my identity and calling), it is unlikely that I will understand my role as an educator as anything more than a job, which is simply a basic agreement to exchange labor for a paycheck. In the job model, I will tend to default to offering my employer the minimum amount of my effort in exchange for my established pay rate (a psychological mechanism that allows me to feel that I am getting the highest wage possible). In this mentality, I am unlikely to be willing to spend the effort required to initiate and sustain impactful relationships with colleagues and students (Palmer, 1993).

If, however, I am operating from a calling model, I understand that what I am doing is much less about my paycheck and much more about my living out why I believe I am on this planet. I call this “finding the right why.” When I find the right why, I am committed to spending the resources of my time and energy to build relationships because I understand relationships to be the kinds of investments that offer the maximum return as I live out my calling. This is the identity check: Am I primarily an employee who receives a paycheck from a school district, or am I primarily an individual whose calling is to impact the lives of young men and women and to draw excellence from classroom teachers?

Take away: my being in touch with the right “why” is necessary for my campus-level and classroom-level relationships to thrive; if I don’t want to be here, I won’t be invested in building healthy relationships.

Questions for Reflection…

Have I crafted a personal mission statement?
Has my leadership team crafted a mission statement for our campus?
Does our faculty refer back to our mission statement regularly, particularly in times of peak stress and amid situational feelings of frustration and discouragement?

Skill Number Two: Directing (How adaptively do I manage my emotion?)

Emotions are fuel, like gasoline. Gasoline can be used to power a vehicle that can drive a family on a dream vacation, or it can be used to start a fire that will burn down a family home. To preserve nurturing relationships, then, I must practice the skill of experiencing all emotions and directing emotional fuel wisely. If I spend even an hour on any campus in my professional capacity, I am likely to experience a wide-range of emotions, some of which might be both uncomfortable and intense: anger, anxiety, incompetence, sadness. If I do not give myself permission to experience an emotion (to name an emotion is to claim an emotion), I am repressing and storing emotional energy in my body that will eventually cost me. Further, if I am not mindful of how I manage (e.g., express) my emotions, I may be destroying relationships with my colleagues and students by criticizing, attacking, blaming, passive aggression or withdrawal. My fluency in experiencing and expressing emotion is closely linked to family-of-origin experiences and to my experiences in interpersonal relationships (Goleman, 1995).

Take away: if I habitually suppress emotion or express emotion in hurtful ways, I lose credibility and undermine my capacity to build healthy relationships; wise and appropriate experience and release of emotional fuel is necessary for relationships to thrive.

Questions for Reflection…

Whom on my campus will confront me if and when I allow my emotion to drive me to toxic, hurtful behavior?
Am I comfortable with and competent in my ability to appropriate confront a colleague who allows emotion to drive them to toxic, hurtful behavior?

Skill Number Three: Connecting (Can I build a bridge across interpersonal differences?)

Bridges are about joining, and to be relationally joined, I must practice the skill of connecting to my colleagues and students (Krovetz, 2008). The river of difference that separates and divides us can be wide and deep, and it can run with strong undercurrents. Our looks differ. Our speech differs. Our values differ. Our generations differ. Our neighborhoods differ. We are organically hardwired to at least avoid that which is different, and at most, to fear that which is different. Differences create relational stress. Will I tap the emotional stress energy that arises within me as I face that which is unfamiliar to build a bridge across differences, or to will I use that same energy to avoid and disengage?

If building bridges does not come naturally to me, I probably am known as a task-oriented individual who can get things done. Perhaps I am someone who lives more in her mind than in her heart. I may also be known as someone who is less-than-approachable in conflict, someone who values a final product over a person.

Take away: we are by nature relational creatures, and building connections across differences is necessary for relationships to thrive; if I have talked myself out of my need to be connected to my colleagues, students and their parents, it is unlikely that will do the work necessary to develop healthy relationships.

Questions for Reflection…

Have I purposed to seek out to get to know colleagues with racial backgrounds, sexual orientations, political or religious value systems or generational identities that differ from mine?
Have I purposed to seek out and get to know students and parents with racial backgrounds, sexual orientations, political or religious value systems or generational identities that differ from mine?

Skill Number Four: Protecting (Can I build a fence to prevent interpersonal trespassing?

Fences are about defining boundaries—what belongs to me and what does not? As we engage relationships, as we build bridges, we will be hurt. To stay relationally-engaged when I know I am continually at-risk of being hurt, then, I must practice the skills of protecting my mind and my heart without isolating myself and falling into bitterness and cynicism (Cloud & Townsend, 1998).

My fence-building skill is closely linked to whether I view myself as someone worth being treated with love and respect. If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable for me, I probably am known as someone who is warm, nurturing, and emotionally accessible. Perhaps I am someone who lives more in his heart than in his mind. I may also be known as someone who avoids conflict and has difficulty enforcing consequences consistently.

Take away: self-protection is a basic human instinct, and setting healthy boundaries is necessary for relationships to thrive; if I have not empowered myself to protect my mind and heart appropriately, it is unlikely that I will be able to maintain healthy relationships or deal effectively with toxic people.

Questions for Reflection…

Do I frequently feel resentful and taken for granted? (If so, my skill in setting boundaries may be lacking).
How are my conflict resolution skills?

In the Words of Polonius…

I don’t know where or whom I would be today had educators not built relationships with me and constructed the platform in my heart upon which they spoke truth into my life about my identity. I don’t know that I ever would have gone to college. I do know that once I did go to college, the fact that I majored in English was a direct result of the influence of three of my high school English teachers, women who taught me, apart from the deep life-lessons about my identity, the value of the spoken and written word.

While I am deeply grateful for the opportunities my education has afforded me, let me be very clear: education did not change my life. Educators did. If you asked my teachers about their secret sauce—what exactly they did to connect with me—I doubt they would provide answers that emphasized superior pedagogical techniques or airtight classroom management plans. While I can’t speak with absolute certainty on their behalf, I do imagine they would simply respond with something along these lines:

“I knew why I was there; something very deep in me valued making a difference in students’ lives. When things got difficult—and they often did—I made a decision to do no harm and manage my intense feelings like an adult. I made it a point to reach out to kids, especially those who were different from me, and I set clear boundaries when I felt disrespected. I did that day after day, week after week, semester after semester, year after year. Now, I look back with gratitude because I can’t imagine a more worthwhile endeavor in which to have invested my life.”

Although my college years were incredibly difficult in many ways, the hours I spent between the covers of my Riverside Shakespeare anthology are among my sweetest memories. In honor of Mrs. Brewer, Mrs. McRoberts and Mrs. Exley, I leave you with a quote from Hamlet. Although Polonius is often viewed as being a chief counselor sorely lacking in good judgment, his parting advice to his son, Laertes, in Act 2 captures a truth relevant to us and worth repeating:

“ This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 3, 78-82

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. (5^th ed.). Washington, DC.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1998). Boundaries with kids: When to say yes, when to say no, to help your children gain control of their lives. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

Fiore, D. J. (2001). Creating connections for better schools: how leaders enhance school cultures. Larchmont, NY: Eye on Education.

Gilbert, Roberta. (2006). Eight concepts of Bowen theory. Falls Church, VA: Leading Systems Press.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

Krovetz, M. L. (2008). Fostering resilience: Expecting all students to use their minds and hearts well (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Press.

Palmer, P. J. (1993). To know as we are known: Education as a spiritual journey. New York NY: HarperCollins Publishers.

Dr. Adam Saenz is a licensed psychologist, therapist, author and speaker. Dr. Saenz will be a keynote presenter at the upcoming 2017 Middle and High School Principals Convention.