Having Hard Conversations - Tips for School Principals A Conversation with Jennifer Abrams

By Jennifer Abrams

The ability to effectively engage stakeholders in difficult conversations is critical to school leaders’ success.  We asked Jennifer Abrams, communications consultant and author of several books including Having Hard Conversations (Corwin, 2009) and Hard Conversations Unpacked (Corwin, 2016), to share her perspective and some strategies for having hard conversations with teachers, colleagues and supervisors.  

What Do We Need to Remember When Having Hard Conversations with Teachers?

Principals often tell me their entire workday is filled with fires to extinguish, a few challenging parent interactions, and at times a number of hard conversations. Some feel those communications are routine and don’t find them too difficult: “I don’t have any hard conversations in my inbox;  I handle them all.” Others take them home, repeat them on a loop, and make themselves sick over what they should have said or must say tomorrow.

Whether you more often find yourself in the former group or the latter, every school leader can benefit from a few new ideas to simplify hard conversations and handle them effectively. Here are three pieces of general advice for approaching a difficult conversation with someone you supervise:

1. Clarity before accountability. It is key that both parties are aware of the concern as something that isn’t personal, but strictly professional. Is there a set of standards around which the conversation is based? Do both of you know what they are or is there a possibility the teacher will feel the concern is “coming out of nowhere?” We often believe things are understood to be expectations when, in fact, all parties may not be on the same page. Making sure everyone has the same understanding of expectations is a good way to start. Clarity before accountability.

2. Watch your language.We oftentimes begin a hard conversation with adjectives and adverbs that are unnecessary and inflame the situation. We speak of people “willfully” or “deliberately” doing things and speak to motivation instead of the behavior. It causes things to get ugly when they, instead, we can choose to speak in more neutral terms.Telling someone they are a “hot mess” is most likely going to exacerbate a situation, and that descriptor is not in the standards.  Align with the wording of your expectations and don’t add words that’ll inflame and heighten the emotion further.

3. Know what you want to see instead before you start.  Be ready for a question that asks you to answer, “What do you want me to do about it?” If you have some ideas at the ready, you will be able to respond neutrally, without emotion or surprise, and your ideas can be thoughtfully taken into consideration or implemented more easily. Knowing what you want is better than “Well, we hired you so you go figure it out.” 

What Do We Need to Remember When Having Hard Conversations Those Who Are Younger Than Us By Several Decades?

Beyond the general supervisor-employee dynamic, another important element to understand is the role of generational differences. As we know everyone is different and needs individually attuned communications and socio-culturally there are some patterns we see around a generation’s communication norms.  A large percentage of today’s teachers are millennials (the generation born between 1980-2000) and this generation, like any other, has specific ideas of what is effective regarding communication. To help you better understand the specifics of communicating with millennial teachers, here are a couple of important things to consider:

1. It’s okay and expected that you will communicate “musts” clearly and directly. Millennials (in schools, this would be teachers between ages 41 and 21) have grown up with a strong sense of collaboration, and put their voice out into the world in teams. A school is definitely a team. Your team members can vote you “off the island” and off Dancing with the Stars. Many millennials have asked me to “just tell me what the expectations are.” However, many boomers offer those expectations in the form of suggestions, as it sounds more diplomatic.  Something to ‘keep in mind’ or ‘a suggestion to consider.’ versus ‘’an expectation at this school is.’  If something is a non-negotiable, a must, or a requirement don’t suggest it, but state it in a declarative way.  Clear is not mean.  

2. Watch the condescension. We are colleagues in the education profession, so calling someone “Sweetie” or “Honey” (while sometimes regionally acceptable) is likely to come across to younger educators as condescending.Two women told me they were referred to as “sorority sisters”―and they were the directors of data and assessment.  Be mindful that while they may be younger than you are, it is unwise to patronize.

What Quick Ideas Do You Have For The Moment We Speak Up?

Once you understand the basic steps for approaching a hard conversation, and understand the challenges posed by generational differences, you will be in great shape for handling these difficult discussions with great skill. To get you started with improved success in hard conversations, try these three strategies for crafting your message so it is well received despite being difficult.

1. Start with a sense of respect.Don’t begin with “We have an issue.” You will still be colleagues beyond and after this challenging interaction, so acknowledge that fact, as well as your respect for the person, and the need for the conversation.“You have my respect for…” “I appreciate you and I hope you know that…” or “We have worked together for more than a decade, right?”  Starting with authentic respect is a must in a humane, growth producing conversation. 

2. Watch your feelings. If you are sharing your feelings in the conversation because it is an interpersonal issue (“When you said this to me/about me, I felt….”) that makes sense.  Yet when you add your power or become too maternal in the conversation, it gets “triangulated.”  It becomes more about your positional authority or the relationship and less about the action at the center.  Adding “Because you did this, we are going to have a problem…” or “I am very disappointed in you…” adds you to the conversation instead of staying on the subject. 

3. How you end the conversation matters.Make sure you include a show of respect, an appreciation of the person, and acknowledgement of your mutual interest in the school’s work. Lastly, give some information about how the issue will be followed up.

Being humane and growth-producing is the professional way to share information. It may be challenging, but it’s always worth it.

What Do You Suggest In Terms of Sharing Something Difficult With A Peer and You Want To Do It Sooner Than Later?  

Something happened. Your colleague said something you found a bit harsh or inappropriate. Something inaccurate or uncalled for. She said it to you. Or you heard her say it to a student. Gulp.

You froze. It was an “ouch” moment. Now what? Do you run out into the parking lot and gossip about your colleague? Do you call your spouse or partner to complain? Or, do you figure out a humane and growth-producing way to share your feelings or concerns with your colleague?

I wrote Having Hard Conversations and Hard Conversations Unpacked: the Whos, the Whens and the What Ifs because I saw actions that were educationally unsound, physically unsafe, and emotionally damaging to educators and to students and I didn’t have the skill set to approach the individual in a way I felt was appropriate. That wasn’t all right for me.

I needed some strategies.

There are many tools and tips for planning and scripting challenging conversations. Some take more time than others. But let’s say, however, that something happened in a meeting or in a hallway and you would like to address the behavior in the short term, within 24 hours, and you don’t have a lot of time to plan. What might you say that would be assertive but not overwhelming? Clear, but not too aggressive? 

Here are a couple of short scripts you might consider.

Script 1:

Script 2:

Script 3:

What Might Change When Sharing Something Challenging With Your Supervisor?

Almost everyone of us has someone we work with who is “above us” on the hierarchy.

A director, an assistant superintendent or a superintendent, our boss. These people work with us, but also have the role of providing supervision or holding us accountable for our progress. So we are in some ways, at some times, intimidated by them.

It is hard to share a truth or give your feedback to someone who you feel is “above you.” And yet, those who are on the ground doing the work have valuable insight into the inner workings of a school, a perspective that needs to be heard, and we need to provide our input. 

How do we do so when we feel it might be a challenge to hear our feedback? A few tips:

1. Ask for permission. Start with, “I have a few ideas that I think would make this project move forward more smoothly. Is this a good time to share them?” or “I think I am seeing things from a different perspective. Would you like to hear what I am seeing from where I sit?” Asking your supervisor if they have time and are open to listening to your point of view is a courteous way to approach and provides some assurance they are ready for the feedback you want to offer.

2. Be ready with suggestions for change. Don’t just state, “Your idea didn’t work. It needs to be better.” And don’t just complain. “We are overwhelmed and as the boss you should do something about it.” Feedback that is said in a humane way and is also growth producing comes with possible solutions or next steps. I have heard stories of people assuming that because a person is a supervisor they should know what to do differently and so the people offered nothing concrete in terms of next steps. Supervisors often tell me, “Don’t come to me with complaints. Come to me with ideas.” Take that advice to heart and bring some ideas to the table.

3. When you do come with ideas, frame them in the form of suggestions or recommendations. Notice the difference between offering a possible next step or another way to do this could be and a “You should to fix this” attitude or expectation for what will change. The person is in a position of authority and does not need to accept your ideas as is. Offering suggestions vs. demands is a better and more respectful way to offer an idea.

4. If you don’t get a positive response and you really think the concern needs to be addressed, circle back at least one more time. “I know you weren’t open to hearing about this the last time I approached you. I still believe the concern is still an important one. Are you open to hearing about it now?” or “I continue to see this issue as being a concern. Is this a better time to talk?”
   I have known people who say, “They didn’t listen to me when I told them so forget about it. It can all go down the toilet.” There is a more conscientious and mature way to manage your frustration and change practice by reintroducing the issue at another time with suggested next steps that are still in your back pocket.

It can be overwhelming to consider having any hard conversation, but it is necessary to bring concerns to those who have influence in students’ lives.  How you bring those concerns to the individual with confidence and control will help you be heard.

Jennifer Abrams will keynote this year’s 2021 Elementary Principals Convention.  More about Jennifer’s work is at her website, www.jenniferabrams.com and she can be found on Twitter @jenniferabrams.