The Empathy Interview: Building a Culture of Caring One Conversation at a TimeOctober’s Annual Meeting for the Sauk Prairie School District was setting up to be just the latest Wisconsin community in upheaval and division based on COVID responses and national politics rearing up locally. Disgruntled citizens were using social media to drum up others to attend the meeting and let their discontent be heard in loud and decisive ways. But on the night of the scheduled event, approximately 350 community members arrived, with the far majority quickly signaling to the couple dozen malcontents that their critical views did not represent those of the broader community. In short, a moment fraught originally with anxious concern quickly and resoundingly turned to one of support and commitment to work through the ongoing challenges together. The seeds for this result did not happen overnight but rather were planted weeks and months beforehand through a districtwide focus on empathy and the use of “empathy interviews.” The origin of this Sauk Prairie effort can be traced back to the research of renowned child psychologist Bruce Perry and co-author Maia Szalavitz in Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential – and Endangered (2011). Their key finding: love grows brains. Humans are born to love, particularly in the practice of empathy, defined as our ability to understand what others may be thinking or feeling – and to care about it. However, many recent societal trends are working against this basic biological and social need of empathy. For example, support for families and child care is eroding and the rise of digital media has people increasingly focused more on screens and phones than on those people actually in the room with one another. The book’s research asserts that we have survived as a species over millennia precisely because of our ability to build and sustain relationships. But today’s children have fewer emotional, social, and cognitive interactions with fewer individuals than was the case for thousands of generations in the past. So the authors worry about the role such recent societal trends have in undermining the social connections we have with each other, which rely on empathy. As Perry summarizes, “We have created a poverty of relationships, which is much worse on humans than a poverty of material things.” A key reason that empathy is critical is because we are biologically wired to get stress release from those we love. As the authors write, “We survive because we can love, and we love because we can empathize.” Now add COVID and we better understand that not only is social distancing stressful of its own accord, but it also reduces our access to means for best reducing stress, which is comforting real-world interaction with one another. But within this bleak discussion, Szalzvitz offers good news and encouragement to those committed to taking positive steps forward: “Like any other ability, empathy can become strong with practice. . . . So in these challenging times, in whatever creative ways we can, we need to avoid letting that skill atrophy. And know that however awkward or stressful it may be at first, we will be able to return to and strengthen our connections to each other.” For Sauk Prairie School District, empathy interviews serve as a way to practice that skill of building deeper empathy and sense of an interwoven community. Superintendent Jeff Wright made the case for focusing on empathy as Sauk Prairie staff convened at the start of the current school year in August. Wright brought the same work to the local business community and religious leaders. After framing the issue, he provided prompts and time for folks to practice these sometimes awkward-feeling skills in low-risk, two-way conversational exercises. Said Wright: “These skills have always been important. Practicing them is even more essential now after long months of social distancing and increased tension between neighbors.” A key part of an effective empathy interview is to engage in a non-defensive manner around an open-ended prompt such as this one that Wright often uses with families: What things do you want others to know about your child’s experience in the school district (good or bad)?” Wright adds, “Be ready to just ask questions. This is not a time for you to share your experience or ideas – it is a time to learn from someone else’s. We listen differently when we make this promise to focus on what we are learning from someone else, and not on what we are going to say next.” Of course, supporting use of new knowledge and skills is often augmented by providing easy access to resources. Resources the district has found most helpful to date have included Brene Brown’s Empathy vs. Sympathy video, Pathway2Success’ 100+ Questions to Build Relationships, and 100 Would You Rather Questions from The Measured Mom. So if interested, try this with your team at your next meeting:
In summary, the Sauk Prairie School District is striving to address a universal problem of disconnection and divide with a deeply humane and research-based principle that brains are not developed well without very deliberate love. The empathy interview is a concrete means to bring this principle to life in deepening ways over time. Early indicators in Sauk Prairie show reason for continuing the effort so that local conditions support achievement of their mission in service to the benefit of all students under their care. As Wright concludes, “Szalzvitz emphasizes that these skills become strong with practice and atrophy without it. So let’s build this empathy exercise routine into our schools and communities.” Could such an effort make sense for you and your school/district as well? By Joe Schroeder, Ph.D., Associate Executive Director, AWSA References: Szalavitz, M. and Perry, B.D. (2011). Born for love: Why empathy is essential – and endangered. New York: |